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I once saw my wife go through four emotional states within a thirty-second span when she was expecting. Now I'm a fan of roller coasters, the ones that twist and turn and go upside down. I love the blood rush to the head it gives you as the ride violently
jerks you from side to side. I even put my arms up as the thing drops
from its highest elevation. But that thirty-second ride my wife gave me
as I watched her go from steaming anger, confusion, sorrow and then to
gleeful delight is, without a doubt, the most horror-filled, eye
opening experience of my life.
For Expecting Dads
There are plenty of books out there to inform soon to be moms what they're bodies will be going through during their pregnancy, but not too many books are out there that will prepare the unsuspecting soon-to-be father of the fanatical, perverse, but never boring journey he will take with his wife for those nine months.
First thing I should really say is that no two pregnancies are alike. All mothers know this, but this vital information is veiled to us men, the innocent. No, innocent obviously isn't the right word here, maybe I should say gullible. Call it what you want, but the bottom line is we're blind rats in a maze and there is no cheese at the finish.
The Unexpected Side of Expecting
I, as father to be, thought everything would remain the same during the pregnancy. Well, I knew the wife and I would be doing some baby shopping, but hey, it's a baby, how much could it possibly need?
I should have used the experience that I learned two years before when I proposed to my wife. I thought that once I proposed to my wife, she'd be happy with that for a year or two before she would want to start planning a wedding. That night while we celebrated at the local bar, she was already setting a date, ten months away. Ah, stupidity is sometimes bliss, isn'it? But that's for another read, another time.
I'm Da Man
So we found out she was pregnant and after the required self-proclaiming "I am the manliest of men" speech I preformed to myself while looking in the mirror, I did what I thought was the normal routine for the soon to be father, I got back to watching television and prepared for the NHL playoffs.
Like with the engagement, I was completely wrong. The first stage to hit is what I like to call the "educational stage,†and it appears to be a requirement for all new moms. At this stage, my wife became a regular at all the book stores within a fifty mile radius of our home.
Any and all books to do with pregnancy were a "must have" for her. Valuable first editions were making way to baby journals, exercise books, diet books, what your body is doing books. Our DVD movies on the shelf were being replaced by yoga videos. This change was just the beginning.
A Pregnancy Unfolds
she really means "you
Doctor visits came next. Not that I hate going to the doctor office, but well, at the beginning of the pregnancy, they're boring. Especially when it's just a big Q&A.
Then came the morning sickness and it came often. Let me tell ya, it's not just for morning anymore. My wife spent more time in the bathroom than any other room in the house. I swear there were days at a time I didn't see my wife and, as the pregnancy blundered on, it got worse.
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One day my wife came home with that look in her eye.
I knew then that it was time for me to work. "I think we should paint the baby's room yellow," she said. I, grateful that that's all she wanted mistakenly asked, “Why?"
Now I don't know I don't know about you guys, but when my wife says "we,"" and you alone. Oh she'll be there to pick out the color at the hardware store, cause God knows, us men (or whatever we are) will certainly screw it up.
You see, we men think that colors only have two subcategories: "light" and "dark," but our wives will soon teach us that there are many, many subtle levels and each one has a name and, by God, you will learn them.
Mood Swings
The whole painting fiasco leads me to another level of the pregnancy, which is attitudes and mood swings. This is a dangerous area for us men. She will turn on you at the drop of a dime and it will be ugly.
This is the area I started this article on and for good reason. I could easily say that I believed my wife had multiple personalities during the pregnancy and that she needed to be picked up by a team of men in white uniforms with the big butterfly nets.
I was terrified when she started these episodes. Who would I be talking to, a loving woman that just wanted to snuggle on the couch and watch a romantic comedy or some sort of revenged filled psychopath that wanted to seriously hurt me for getting her pregnant which by the way, we both wanted? Again, I could say that, but I know she'll read this. I love you sweetie!
Nesting Stage
Then there is the nesting stage. My advice to you is just clear a path. Don't get in the way. Say “yes, ma'am" or “no, ma'am." Now that I think about it, just say that throughout the whole pregnancy.
The soon-to-be fathers are nothing to a pregnant woman. They can and will squash you like a bug if you do anything wrong. No scratch that, they can and will squash you like a bug whenever they feel like it, regardless of you say or do. Remember that.
Dad-Friendly Cravings
Back to the dieting for a moment, I was pleasantly surprised by the sudden turn of events when it came to her diet. My wife has always been a good eater when it comes to eating healthy. She's always preferred nice restaurants, especially if it served duck breast.
I've always been a pizza and burger guy and have always had a soft spot (probably the cholesterol build up) in my heart for McDonalds french fries. My wife unexpectedly constantly craved McDonalds french fries and pizza and when things got, uh, "challenging," during the pregnancy, I could always count on getting one or the other very soon.
You'll Never Live it Down
One last thing I want to mention before I sign off. Whatever you men have planned during the pregnancy, cancel or reschedule it until at least a month after the baby is born. You may think I'm kidding around here, but I'm not.
I decided to go to hockey game over a month before our daughter's due date, forty-one days to be exact. I ended up getting a pretty bad headache during the game, so I decided to go home. When I got there, my wife was having contractions and her water had broken.
We went to the hospital and about twenty-four hours later our daughter was born.
Everything “yes ma'am, no ma'am‚" got erased from her mind. Every little thing that I did right, every piece of baby furniture I put together that put a smile on her face got erased, every mental land mind that she hid and I sidestepped was all for nothing.
I have yet to live down the night I decided to go to a hockey game the night my wife went into labor. Take my advice, stay home, be good, give her all your credit cards and just stay out of her way.
Hell have no fury like a woman pregnant.
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