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How do you get your kid to not just try again, but to keep trying in spite of failures and obstacles that come up along the way? How do you teach them that after you get past those failures and obstacles success is usually waiting for them?
We went to a birthday party recently for a little girl down the street turning four. One of the activities was opening a pinata. For those of you that are not familiar with the tradition, a pinata is a brightly painted paper container (usually an animal for some reason) that is filled with candy and small toys. This container is suspended by a rope as blind-folded kids try to bash it open with a stick. It is not only a frightening diversion for overprotective parents, but makes for some great America's Funniest Home Video moments as innocent bystanders stray too close to the blinded stick-wielder.
Meanwhile, back at the party: As the pinata opened and the kids scrambled for the goodies, I turned to the woman next to me and said,
"I'll bet they don't have pinatas in communist countries. The point of the game is to grab as many of the sweets and prizes you can get from the limited supply available. It is a metaphor for the capitalist system. If they had pinatas in communist countries they would have to split the prizes evenly, and there would be no incentive to get in there and grab any more than that. "
She nodded politely (no doubt thinking of moving away from me) and while I mused about how to design an experiment to test my hypothesis her child ran up to her crying because another kid grabbed the toy she wanted. In spite of the fact that there were multiple copies of the same toy she had her eye on still falling from the pinata, she gave up when she didn't get it the first time. At that point her mother turned to me and said,
Maybe I should move to a communist country.
It was funny moment, but it also got me thinking about how to teach your kids to not give up on what they want. I don't mean competitiveness, but something else. I think kids are naturally competitive, and in spite of how many times they hear someone tell them "everybody wins" or "it's not a race" they still try to compete with each other (and you). While competitiveness is part of it, what I am getting at is teaching perseverance, or better yet, conviction.
Perseverance means to keep striving in spite of troubles. Conviction implies the belief that you need to do something and that it is the right thing to do. Perseverance describes a behavior, conviction describes the inner confidence that is outwardly exemplified by perseverance.
I don't want a stubborn mule of a kid that perseveres but has no idea how, why, or when to quit. I want a confident kid with a goal, a plan, and the drive to make it all happen and the sense to move on if it is unrealistic. This is important not because I want my kid to get the toy he wants from the pinata, but because I want him to be a productive, effective adult in fifteen years (or so). It's a lot better that he learn it now than learn it later.
It is frustrating to hear your kid say "I can't do it" when you know that they can if they try just a little bit more. Usually that's what we tell them: "just try one more time." But sometimes it takes more than one more try, and sometimes your kid has already convinced himself that it is impossible, so any attempts will be half-hearted at best.
How do you get your kid to not just try again, but to keep trying in spite of failures and obstacles that come up along the way? How do you teach them that after you get past those failures and obstacles success is usually waiting for them? In the pinata example, the goal is to get that certain toy from that gaudily painted critter. The plan is to get into that scramble of kids and keep looking until you either get it or until all of the toys are gone. Even then, a creative and driven kid will work out a trade if they still didn't achieve their goal.
I have more to say on this topic, but I will save it for follow up posts. In the meantime, I'd like to hear some feedback. Does anyone else have any experience or advice on this topic?
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